Strange Game of Tug of War

Have you ever played individual tug of war? It's a children's game where two people grab opposite ends of a rope and try to pull the whole thing over to their side of a line. Usually there is a marker such as a knot at the center of the rope to show progress toward either side.

Well, imagine such a game where the object of the game is to keep the knot as near the center as possible for as long as possible. If the rope moves too far to either side, both players lose. If you quit pulling, both players lose. It would be exhausting and demotivating, and worthy of the type of torturous contests devised on Survivor.

Would you want to play? What would your strategy be? Pull softly? Discuss strategy and work as a team? What do you do when one or both players are tired?

Believe it or not, most of us have chosen to play this game. It is called marriage. Obviously, the only strategy that works is to talk and continue working as a team, but we often get tired of that. One person on a team tends to pull harder than the other. Sometimes one or both players just lay down the rope, and may not even notice. Sometimes both people pull as hard as they can, forgetting the object of the game, and add to the exhaustion and frustration (not to mention anger!). Often one person talks, but nobody listens.

We admire teams, who have practiced the game for years, who stay alert to where the knot is, and continually make corrections. They may not even need to discuss it often, but just know their partner well enough to compensate to keep the knot in the center. I especially appreciate seeing the players who notice that the knot has moved too far to their own side and adjust. That seems to be a blind spot for most.

Some days, I wonder why I got into this game 38 years ago. I doubt my husband and I will ever master it. We have completely lost sight of the knot many times on one side or the other. A few times, we both let go of our ends of the rope. But we always have grabbed it back and gotten it more or less centered.

One of the odd things about this game is that it is addictive. When it is going well, it is highly satisfying, and seems effortless. There is a real rush from working together as a team. Then, about the time you think you have mastered it, someone falls asleep at their post or gets distracted, and things get out of balance once again.

Last night we spent an hour or so looking for the knot. We both were convinced that it was on the other one's side of the line. Sometimes finding the knot is harder than getting it back centered! But we will hang on to the rope and continue the search. It is what we do. We may discover the knot in the center where it belonged, but with both of us pulling so hard that we did not notice. How in the world do we get our team mates confused with our opponents? Just one of the strange twists of the Game.